Today, I would like to share with you what it is like being in the “fog” and steps I took (and take) to get clear.
Think about the different real life “fogs” you have experienced. Was it around your house, or in a field? How about driving in the fog? What about a fog at night? How about a snowy foggy night?A “fog” is a low lying stratus cloud. It can be right on the earth or hovering above the earth. A fog can seem to be omnipresent or sparse. Think of a sun rise in the mountains with some patchy low lying fog! 🙂
Fog will decrease you visibility. It can be difficult to drive when it is foggy out. I think the worst fogs are driving on a foggy, snowy night. It is white everywhere. Hard to tell where the road is and isn’t.
You can’t drive as fast in a fog. It really slows you down. That can be frustrating, nerve racking, make you late to your destination and cause accidents.
Mental fog resulting from childhood trauma is like driving in a “fog” only it is all the time. There is no relief. You look around and see your friends accomplish simple things and you can’t. You just don’t get it. But it is all that you know.
That clear day I had in 1978 was truly a gift. It showed me that there was another life experience waiting for me, if I could find a way to clear my personal fog.
This quest had been a very long road. I didn’t get into counseling until 1985. That is a story in itself. I made another leap when I went to Barbara Brennan School of Healing Science in 1996-2000. That was all about the personal journey. I made another leap several years after graduation and continue to clear to this day.
Let me share with you what I have learned along the way. I am sure that I am not the only person who suffers from “fog” coming from childhood abuse. This is not to exclude others who have “fog” for other reasons. You may be helped too.
Much of the “fog” for me was a deep pervasive depression. Makes sense if you think about it. Much of this journey had been healing the depression.
My first step was getting into counseling. The first experience was with Alcohol Services in Syracuse NY. They had a program for children of alcoholics which was recommended by a priest friend of the family. I did one-one and group.
The group therapy experience good and bad for me. It did help me to establish some deep relationships. But… As in any relationship, there can be some difficulties. Group was to be a safe place where we could learn new ways, healthy ways of working out differences.
I am not sure what theory was underlying this treatment. For me, it was very re-wounding. For example: if someone had a problem with something I did, the group was the place to work out the difference. However it didn’t work that way in this group.
Someone would say… “I had a problem with Mary Pat this week. My heart would sink… “what did I do now?” Then others would jump on the band wagon. “Yea, Mary Pat did this ________.” This scenario could be echoed by 4-5 other people in the group. Talk about feeling ganged up on. I would “freeze”. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t talk. I always felt “wrong”. I never did learn how to handle these things in a healthy way.
I should have followed my intuition after the first session. I was joining an established group. That night everybody said “Hi” and why they were so mad that I was joining the group. I should have run for my life. Instead it took me three years to stand up for myself. But that decision was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made. I learned to set a boundary… This is acceptable behavior with me and that is not.
During this time, I did get some medication help for my depression. I was told I would never get off antidepressants. Given what I shared with you yesterday about the physical changes that happen with trauma, that would make sense. However, medication is only one tool, which I availed my self for only five years.
I studied Healing Touch and became a practitioner and teacher. When you do “the work” you are helped in kind. I was blessed to attend healing school in 1996. It is a four year full time program. Much of the program is about going into the deep recesses of your personal psyche and healing your own wounds. I can’t help anybody else if I haven’t traveled the healing path myself.
It was a difficult program to get through. But I was determined. And all that work was worth it.
A couple of years after graduation, I sank into a depression again. I did all the tricks I know about getting out to no avail. One night I did a Google search and found a company, Centerpointe using Holosync technology, that helps to re-wire the brain with sound. It sounded interesting. So I bought the first CD.
This program has 12 levels with three to four CD’s per level. You listen with stereo head phones. They use a patented binural beat technology to entrain your brain to a desired level. Over time this creates the desired healthy changes in the brain. You start thinking differently. The depression goes away.
It is not a cheap program. But it is cheaper than talk therapy and should be part of any recovery program. I highly recommend it.
Tomorrow, I will continue my path of healing.